His eyes speak French

 

(*failed to upload his eyes because I can't remember them even when I am drowned in them all throughout*)

     " some eyes touch you more than hands ever could."

Every day, every night, every when, everywhere. It's him. His blurry facial appearance, his blurry features, that random moment we had together, the sense of our clothes brushing against each other. It's his reminiscence, in my mind. Thoughts of him fog my mind, endlessly. I can only think of him. 

Will he be there? Is he here? Has he gone? Only his thoughts and whereabouts seem to bother my unsettling mind. There are emotions, but sometimes. Other times, it just feels like a habit. A habit of constantly wondering about him. It feels so not worthy but I still do it. 

Has this happened before? Yes. Certainly. Quite a lot of times to be honest. But with him, now, it feels different. He's somewhat different, I think.

The way we never really talked but still, he makes me feel as if we have this weird connection between us. 

Talking about connection, his eyes. His eyes. Oh god. There's something that those pair of eyes tell when they meet mine. The corresponding mouth to them never does. There's this weird energy they embody. I have no clue what they wanna say. He stares deep into my soul, deep enough for me to shift my gaze promptly. He never said a word by himself, yet his eyes talk to me. But, the language they speak remains unknown to me. I interpret, I try. Is he trying to say what my mind wants to listen to? Or maybe my mind just wants to hear it. It does. It does want to hear it. Overwhelmed by those thoughts, I withdraw my gaze. For my heart is weak and quite sensitive. The thought of my already messed up relations won't let me.

I have never stared at him longer than he does, into the eyes. Only sometimes, I do steal a gaze of him when he is not looking my way. I trace his features with my eyes and can't help but adore them. They are not perfect but they yet are. 

But still, wonder long enough, what story do his eyes tell? Will I ever find out? I so wish, I will.

Fear crept within;

 

The mind fears what if the body loses all its social connections and becomes that weird lonely soul, from within, yet again. That soul, whose possessor never once knew what the world outside looked and felt like. The body of that soul never once could acknowledge that life is far more adventurous and blissful. 

There is a flash of reminiscence of how this cocoon coiled cosily inside itself was slowly and unexpectedly put out in the world slowly opening its wings. But what if they don't like the colour of the wings that come out? what if the pattern isn't attractive and merry enough? All thoughts are in the backseat and there's acceleration on the road ahead. No thoughts at the back of the mind. Going effortlessly with the flow, learning along the way, tumbling on the edges and on the curves but in spite and despite all those hurdles. The journey towards being a butterfly is still on.

Midway into the journey, there are thoughts that occasionally show presence and show their presence. They occur more frequently now. What if the pattern repeats? Everything and everyone is after all the same breed and almost resembles the past quite perfectly. However, this time, this body both mentally and emotionally is braver and more experienced, of course. But this heart. It still isn't strong enough. Won't take it now. It pleads every night to become stronger. Little does it knows, that only it can make itself stronger.

But have we reached that point yet? No. Then why even think of it when it isn't even going to happen near future? As if the present isn't horrifying and stressful enough. 

Let's focus on the present first. Let's focus on the present first.