misery : level next

 

Probably the last day we have been in the same space and around each other. We lost our mutual. I stepped out and my heart dropped. The thought that instantly struck me was, " Oh, we never gonna be in the same space again." Oh and still we will see each other walking past but not talking (as if we earlier talked, duh) almost every day. 

This strange emptiness is eating me up, from the inside out. Oh, I so wish we could at least be friends. But maybe we will pass. Maybe that was it. Maybe we were not meant to be. 

oh, the misery levelled up.

Cowardice?

 

Wow, another day another step.

He was sweet as I thought he would be. But something is really wrong with me. I behave differently in front of him. Sometimes I get either too friendly or too rude, idk. I have some real problems. Probably unsolvable. Worst of them all, I KNOW what my issues are and I am still helpless in doing anything about it.

I don't know if I should be writing this (mainly because it seems all delusional to me) or not but he does notice me. He too gets conscious in front of me. we are both cowards, oh, what misery.

Courage (virtual)

 And I took the first step. Can I expect him to take the next? I should.

My heart beat faster than anything and oh the ambiguity and doubt in his response. His response did suffice and I am happier. The day was happier than many this year. 

A response (virtually) that can make you this happy is indeed weird. But I was and am happy and the reason is him.

Also, I have fallen deeper now. Every time I take a step back, I leap ahead of the last time I have been. Oh, my poor heart needs to stay away from this. It is going to suffer badly. It is definitely going to suffer.

Why am I not seeing the separation ( almost permanent) coming up? But this mad heart wants to still think, talk and hear about him. I am again going feral, help. Oh dear god, help me.

Into the fade

 Ok, ok. This is fading, most probably. No more the heart pauses for a moment at his visuals.

Another important thing I realised today. It struck me. We walked past each other. As I was walking out, he was walking in. His eyes met mine. I drew away my gaze first. Maybe our paths are just meant to cross and not collide.

This thought has been bothering me since then. Maybe letting it out here might help.

Longing (lighter version)

 Didn't see him today. I wished the whole entire time that he came out of somewhere. No, he didn't. 

Surety?

 I saw him today only for an hour and everything again was off its place. Please, someone, tell him this is torment to me. 

What goes on within his heart? Oh is there any cure for this desperation to know about his thoughts and feelings and emotions? I so wish there is or I swear I am going crazy over this human whom I am not even sparing a glance at. 

What was the reason behind me not looking his way?

I am scared. I am afraid. I am in immense doubt. I overthink and a zillion other reasons, but the biggest of them all is that somewhere I am not sure. 

Oh the reluctance

 He, today, glanced my way and held his gaze long enough. I knew he was looking, as I have earlier said, my blur vision of the periphery is better than my actual vision, I believe. I looked straight. I avoided such that if I  looked his way, he is gonna know what was within me. Why? Had I glanced, it would have been the most natural one of the longest time. But oh, something within me stopped me. He was looking, for sure. He was looking my way? for sure. But, was he looking at me? God solely know. 

 Brief separation

'Maybe' the separation did something to him. I am still looking for it.

There is a lot to write about but words won't come to me. Maybe I will explain this as crudely as it comes to my poor mind and wanders therein the whole entire time. 

If I don't see him around, I automatically start missing him and mind you this happens even subconsciously and ironically, as soon as he is within the range of my vision I put up an act. The most serious one. What is wrong with me? Am I a delusional maniac or some other sadist poor being? I don't know.

 The waiting phase is getting long. Very long. I am willing to wait an eternity but will I then have him? where's the surety? Will we move ahead of this phase? ever?

oh, and you see another brief separation coming ahead and might that bring about a slight change of events, thoughts, situations and honey-dip touches of melancholy. Amen. God give him some introspection and a pinch of courage maybe?

One small talk, for now, works. 

 What? what is wrong with him? what is wrong with us? why is this painstakingly melancholic? Time is fleeting, I hope he makes his move before it's too late. I lack courage, he doesn't. Things I wish to hear him say, I have been hearing from every other mouth. God, make him say, pls.

The day. Only if I knew. I would have tried to make it a bit special for him but oh. I felt but wasn't I powerless? I certainly was. Those eye contacts meant a thing. Only if I knew. Those minimal eye contacts today. May they light up his day if he has a spark burning in himself for me. Only he can summon the courage for both of us. May he someday. May he.

 He is acting differently. This is getting different. The proximity is increasing and this time he is taking the charge. Doing things I doubt he would have done earlier. He is actually taking steps (again, this might be a delusional thought as well). His actions now can only be justified by certain words and those are similar to my delusional thoughts. Those eye contacts are meant to stay. They are looking even when my peeper wasn't even searching (Of course, I had no idea he was around.) But definitely and for sure I caught the possessor of those eyes looking my way and immediately withdrawing his gaze as soon as I turned my head around. But with great thoughts and unacceptable behaviour (some), I have mastered the art of recognizing people just from their blur and oh how could I not recognize that soul which has been too well entangled in my heart from like a good unit of time. 

 Why? What changed over the separation? Did Jesus meet him there in person and told him about me? The more I try to not let my feelings win over me, the more he is stirring my heart and pulling its strings. What is he doing? Bare minimum, Existing.

There is only one theory to this: If I see that human, I can't help. 

Then there's another theory: I suppress it all and put on an act. It hurts, deep and violently. Sometimes he adds fuel to it by doing things.

I am going feral now. This is getting harder to grasp and I am just running away. The way I did not spare a single look today at him, even though I am sure he was staring from start to end of it all, I am seriously stubbornly insane. 

Why does this hurt? Because a look would not have hurt you.

Is he equally vulnerable to these insanities? We will find out, probably.

 Months later.

I couldn't.

After the longest time and a literal roller coaster of emotions, I am back in the trap. I thought I was over him but no. Maybe those eyes are hypnotizing? maybe they pull out the emotions from within me that I suppress dreadfully deep inside me. But as I have fallen back, this time those eyes are not only speaking but are portraying things I have no clue about!

They wanna talk, I am assuming, but their language, how do I comprehend? I am not used to speaking that. I admired that language from afar but now they seem difficult and weirdly horrifying?

There is an undeniable change but how and most importantly why? Are they even there or am I just delusional?

Maybe I am just delusional. Delusional, mostly.

 Another day chaos choked my breath. Yet again, I cursed under my breath repeatedly. Yet again, I felt bad and that feeling submerged again. What I thought (negative), happened. The first one to glance at my vulnerability were his eyes, in a room full of people. Those eyes almost exclaimed lightly, "There you are, I was looking for you." There was a look of sympathy (or empathy, idk) in his eyes. I felt a little better and slightly comforted.

The separation era (I am trying to get over it all)~

 Those pretty eyes were smiling today, glancing my way. I wonder why.

Today, as my eyes met their gaze, they were already staring. I wonder what for.

My tired and sleepy eyes had yet another eye contact with his difficult-to-interpret eyes today. Were they compensating for yesterday because yesterday's eye contact wasn't special enough? YES, Today was different. As lost I  was, as found he was. Those eyes almost told me, "you are right, come on ahead."